


Musings in Blue and Green

by KindredKitsune



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Alcohol, Clueless lesbians, Crying, F/F, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sad with a Happy Ending, Smoking, discussion of death and being remembered, lesbian pet names fix everything wrong in the world, oh my god they were housemates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29057211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KindredKitsune/pseuds/KindredKitsune
Summary: Aka In which the author works through some of their existential dread while also wanting to write about cute lesbians and vocaloidNote: I wrote this over the course of like two and a half hours, a not insignificant chunk of which I spent crying so it's probably not my best work, but I wanted to upload it anyway because... Well, if you've read it, it's probably clear why I needed to put this *somewhere.*
Relationships: Gumi/Hatsune Miku
Kudos: 3





	Musings in Blue and Green

After a week of exhausting rehearsals, after the performance with the highest attendance figures yet, after halfheartedly speaking with fans backstage, a cyan idol goes out for a celebration with a few of her friends in a small restaurant where they're unlikely to be bothered.  
She downs a full bottle of wine by herself.  
If her friends are concerned, they don't say.

After getting dropped back to her shared townhouse by Luka, the idol finally changes out of her stagewear and lets down her annoyingly long twintails and suddenly she's not an icon anymore; She's just Miku. _Just_ Miku, beloved by all; _Just_ Miku, the princess; _Just_ Miku, who sets hearts aflame.  
She looks in the mirror for a moment and then throws a blanket over it.

She pours a glass of ice cold water and downs it in one go, revelling in the striking cold. Looking around the kitchen, she's glad to see that Gumi thought to put away the knives after their talk a few days ago; She had expressed to her housemate in the dead of night that she needed help, that she needed to talk to someone, anyone that didn't put her on a pedestal. Her friends all loved her, of course, and she loved them all back, but Gumi was one of the few that Miku considered her anchor, who cared for her in a different way, a more hands-on way. Gumi would set her right when she got like this and when she got too overwhelmed by the producers or by the fans, she would shoo them all away, and she appreciated it more and more every time.  
They both were too tired to talk about it then, and knew they would be too busy preparing for the show for the next little while, so they decided to wait until after the show to discuss it in earnest. The problem was that the producers had kept her appearances and merch signings fully booked until well after the concert had ended, so she was stuck there until the convention centre closed... leaving Miku alone with her thoughts and wine-addled impulses where no one would be able to hold her back.  
If Gumi hadn't been thoughtful enough to put away the cutlery, it would have seen some use that night, painting blue red once more.

Miku downs another glass of water.

She thought she had finally managed to kick her old tendancies after a lot of therapy and loving promises to friends, but old habits died hard, she supposed. She wouldn't go digging for knives, though. That solution was one of convenience, and it would hardly be conveinent to tear apart the house so she could do it herself.

Lighting a candle, she carries it out side with her as she sits on her back porch, the full moon casting its borrowed light on the grey world below. Miku can't help but stare at it as she sits on the steps and shivers in the breeze of the cool autumn night.  
" _Is this how they think of me_?" She asks herself. " _Some untouchable, ethereal being, shining with someone else's charm and grace_?"  
No, she decides. The moon is beautiful in its own right, and she supposes that she has her own charm too.  
She laughs bitterly to spite herself. " _I can't even think of how to properly formulate what I'm feeling. I write and sing for a living, it shouldn't be this hard_." She draws her knees up to her chin and closes her eyes. " _It shouldn't be this hard_..."  
A car door is firmly shut somewhere off to her side, the force behind it clearly expressing frustration; Gumi is home. Miku curls up a little tighter, from anxiety or from the cold, she can't tell.  
" _What am I supposed to say_?" She wonders. " _She's already frustrated and tired, if I leaned on her now, wouldn't that be unfair of me? And what if she needs help now too? I wouldn't be any help at all... I should just di-_ "  
"Hey." Gumi comes through the back door, out of her stagewear now as well, with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in one hand and a water bottle in the other. "Mind if I sit here?" She gestures a few inches away from her, on the other side of the candle. Miku nods slightly and Gumi drops herself to sit on the first step, lighting a cig as she does. A night for old habits indeed.

"Have you hurt yourself?"  
Miku shakes her head no and she sees a faint smile form on her friend's face as she takes a drag.  
"Thank you, hon, really. I know how hard it can be not to." Gumi had told her about her troubled past when they had first gotten to be close, how she had a history of hurting herself because she thought it was what she deserved. Miku had hugged her long that evening, holding her tight as she recounted her story into the girl's shoulder, both of them fighting back tears.  
In the near-silence as she thinks, Gumi takes a long drag from her cigarette and offers it over. Too anxious and troubled to use her hands, Miku raises her head and Gumi holds it steady for her. It hurts going down, but she feels like maybe it's a good hurt... until it gets to her lungs and she has to sputter it out and reach for the water bottle. After making sure she's okay, Gumi chuckles to herself and takes another drag, rubbing Miku's back to help relieve her pain. When she can breathe right again, Gumi puts out her cigarette and leans back against the railing so she can better face her curled-up friend.  
"Talk to me, hon." She says, her voice soft like the wispy clouds Miku's eyes follow.  
The girl in question, lungs still burning from the heated smoke, takes a slow, deep breath before she speaks, and Gumi waits patiently.  
".......Do you think they'll remember me, Gumi?"  
"Who, sweetheart?" She doesn't miss a beat.  
Miku shivers a little at the pet name but powers through, "E-everyone. Our fans. ......Our friends. I don't want them to forget me, but they're only going to remember what I did. Not who I am." She uncurls a little bit and focuses on the moon, too anxious to look at her friend. "I feel like they'll remember me like a sculpture even if they do; Like I myself am a piece of art, carefully crafted for mass appeal and not as the real person I am."  
"Miku, I-"  
"I don't want to be forgotten, Gumi. I'm so scared..." She says as she finally drops her hands and knees, tears streaming from her eyes like a river.  
Gumi goes to hug her best friend but stops to make sure it's okay first. She knows from experience that hugs can make things worse sometimes. "Hugs okay?"  
Miku nods as she wipes at her eyes, and in a moment, she is wrapped up tight in the love and safety of her anchor's embrace.  
Gumi whispers into her ear, "Love, we will never forget you, not in a million, billion years. I know it's scary to think about what might happen, but you and your art are inest- intexrtica-... You and your art are tied together in a way that nothing can change," Gumi swears at herself a little for messing up a word and gently runs her hands through the cyan hair of her most beloved friend as she continues, "People can't love your songs and not love you too, your heart is what gives the things you create power. Loving and remembering your art is loving and remembering you, the real you. If you were just putting on an act for the mass appeal, you wouldn't be so loved, you'd be a fad, and you're not, love, you're not a fad in any sense of the word."  
Miku explodes into further tears and spluttering as she processes the words and she hugs Gumi back, hard, muttering 'thank yous' into her shoulder. They stay like that for several minutes until the wind starts to pick up and bring the cold along with it. Gumi shivers first, not being as shielded from the chill as her Miku is and whispers in the girl's ear, "I think it's time to go inside, sweetheart, we don't want you catching a cold, now do we?"  
Her heart skips a beat at another usage of her favourite pet name from her favourite person and she can't speak, so she just shakes her head into Gumi's arms instead. Gumi giggles a little and breaks away to pick everything up, shoving the cigarette pack and lighter into her bra and handing the candle and water bottle off to Miku before picking her up. Miku doesn't fight it, but she does blush quite heavily, even more so when she notices that Gumi doesn't even seem to be breaking a sweat. After making sure nothing is left behind, Gumi carries the girl to the door and politely asks her to open it, giving her a nice squeeze when she does. Miku is pretty sure she could die happy in her crus- in Gumi's arms.

For the next few hours, even as exhausted as they both are, they talk and cook dessert and play board games together, always within a few feet each other. Eventually, however, midnight comes and with the moon at its highest point in the sky, the girls blue and green ready themselves to sleep.  
As Miku gets settled in her pyjamas and is about head to bed, Gumi knocks on the door, her face ever-so-slightly flushed.  
"Hey, hon, uhhh..." She looks away and rubs her neck sheepishly, "W-would you mind if I maybe, um, s-slept with you tonight...?" Gumi blushes even harder by the time she finishes the sentence, and before she can turn away and say 'nevermind,' Miku tells her, "Of course you can! I was hopi-" She stops herself and blushes to match the girl at her door. She had nearly just admitted that she was hoping that Gumi would ask for it, what was she doing!!!!  
"I.... Yes. Yes, you can s-sleep here... W-with me."  
Gumi smiles and Miku's heart does a backflip.  
"C-cool."  
"Y-yeah."  
They stare at eachother for a moment, wordless and with their hearts beating in their ears before they both break out giggling.  
Miku slips underneath her blanket and lifts it for her Gumi to enter as well, and when she does, even the faintest touch of skin is electric. It turns nuclear when Miku decides to hug her first and wonderful, amazing, spectacular Gumi returns the favour.

They tangle themselves together under the blanket and hold hands as they fall asleep together, but as they're about go over the edge, Gumi decides there's one last thing that needs to be said.  
"Hey, sweetheart?"  
"Mmn?"  
"...I l-love you." She says in a tone that makes it clear she doesn't mean platonically.  
Miku stirs, and for a moment, Gumi is scared that she's about to be kicked out of the bed, out of their home, out of her life, but instead her chest is nuzzled and a kiss is placed on her neck.  
"I love you too. So much."  
Gumi can't help but shed a few tears of joy and choke up a little.  
"S-so much." She says as she presses a kiss to the girl's hair.  
A few more minutes of nuzzles from Miku and panic from Gumi and the girls fall asleep together, both of their earlier fears assuaged and both of them unequivocally happy.

**Author's Note:**

> So that happened.  
> I posted a story with almost no editing instead of like two months of editing, somehow.  
> Do let me know what the damage is, please.
> 
> (P.s. I'm fine! I've dealt with a lot of my self-harm urges and stuff like that for long enough to mostly know how to manage it, things just get tough sometimes. Stay strong, y'all <3)


End file.
